the opportunities are endless, if you just believe

Saturday 31 October 2009

The last letter.

Dear you, you and you,

This is something I never planned, or hoped to have write about, at the time the hardest thing to do was to talk about what was going on, I am not one for talking about my feelings as it is, and as talking about it would only upset me and those around me more, and as I have 3 younger sisters, falling apart would not be an option, and even if it was, I am not the type of person to do that. I come from a family of strong women and I'm one to keep hope and not let the negative thoughts over ride the positive that I had.

When your there for a friend when they are going through something, when the same thing, or something similar happens to you, surely thinking they'd be there for you too wouldn't be too much to think of a person? Surely, You'd be able to go to this friend and talk to them?

But sometimes a friend has too many things going on, and you live too far to see them often, and you are obviously not going to ring them and tell them when they are out with friends, that's the last thing you'd want to do, spoil what their doing just for you. It seems rather selfish to me, so why would I do that? You feel yourself losing contact with this person and at a time like this, you want to sort it out but you also want to be their for your family.

My Grandad was a proud, strong man, and it's never right - or nice, seeing someone you've grown up with, and looked up to, go from being witty, sarcastic, running about, and happy, to the complete opposite. It's hard to sit by someone you love and watch them struggle to speak, drink, or walk and in the end, seeing them bed ridden, and it's not something I ever want to have to do again, or i'd ever want anyone to go through. I made the most of that time with him because if i'd of dwelled on the situation I would of been forced to tears, He wouldn't of wanted that. It's easy to let yourself dwell on the negative things that are yet to happen, than to remain positive and not allow yourself to be consumed with sadness and despair, when you know only dark days lie ahead. I was never forced to go to see him, as my family would never force that upon any of us but I felt I should be there, not just for him, but for my family.

He was admitted on the 5th June and then around 2 weeks later released. He wasn't meant to be released. I remember going to see him in hospital and he walked us to the door of his ward and waving us off, That's the last time I saw him as near to I had growing up. When he was released, we were told he had from a few weeks to a few months. It went downhill from there, medical assistance was little to none, and the little he had was a shambles. To think a man who had paid his taxes all his life was not given the medical treatment he needed to stop the pain makes me feel sick. The whole medical system was a joke to be honest, and I hope no other families go through what ours did. He died on the 2nd of July, Less than a month after going to hospital. He was 79, He'd of turned 80 on August 15th. I remember he kept getting a temperature and we needed fans and at the time we only had a little hand held one, so my aunty put me in charge of holding it whilst she went into the attic to find a bigger one, She said something along the lines of "I'm leaving Victoria in charge of the fan now, God help you eh!" and his face twitched and he made a noise, as if he'd understood and was laughing. My aunty and mum were always talking to him and it was nice because every now and then you would get a little twitch or noise, and these are some of the last memories I have with him, and although they seem small, they mean a lot, not just to me, but to my family.

During that time I didn't have time to talk to you properly, I was at my Aunties everyday seeing him. You didn't ever, not even once, send a text asking how I was, How any of us were. A simple text. When I thought I'd sorted everything out with you, you were off somewhere and we planned to speak when you got back. A couple of texts were sent, but nothing more. No effort was made on either parts, but then when I tried recently, you threw it back in my face, You didn't really have much to say to me was it? And all those sly digs I've picked up on. I think it's really pathetic that someone who was once a close, good friend, doesn't 'really have much to say to you' and can sit playing the victim. You let it happen. Not just me. Stop blaming me.

You'd think when you look back at all the good times we've had, you'd realise your being stupid, but you don't seem to, You stretch yourself so far with friends and can't keep up. You'd think our friendship would mean just a fucking little bit to you. It really, really annoys me, I've never felt so angry and upset at once thinking about it. But you know what? One day you'll see something that reminds you of me, and it'll be too late, you won't be able to pick up the phone because this time, I won't be there.

But then there are the people who were there for me, I have the people who have stood by me, through it all, and not disappeared and said it was up to me to tell them what's going on, Those people are the friends I hope never to lose. The ones that I do, and always will count on because when I needed them most, they were there. If they ever need me, I hope they know that I'm here for them too.

Yours Sincerely,

You.

Wednesday 24 June 2009

i got a new blog...

www.seasonspassmeby.wordpress.com

sorry blogspot. i update the other more, it's like when you get something new and don't want to stop messing with it. shame i have to keep stopping myself posting certain things because i know a certain someone will use it against me in future. shame really.

Wednesday 8 April 2009

i miss mollie

end of.

Tuesday 31 March 2009

"it's just another bad dream,

just another little scare,
it's just another little nightmare,
only you forgot to close your eyes

it's just another silence,
your working hard to fill,
you could throw another tantrum,
but better still, just throw your hands up,
and let yourself love
let yourself love
let yourself be loved"

so it's been a while since i last blogged. let me check how long...oh, not THAT long, i thought it'd been longer than 6 days. oops! last week was awful, minus friday night/weekend, everything that could go wrong, did and it was one of the worst weeks ever, well that i can remember of anyway.

von came down from glasgow on friday night as me, her, mary and charlotte were going to adventure to liverpool to see the one and only, maccabees. so after i met her at the coach station, we met mary in nexus and chilled while i let out anger and all that shiz from during the week. i'm suprised i didn't throw a few punches whilst letting the anger out. damn. but yeah, we ventured back to mine where charlotte was. von cut my fringe for me :D. so yeah, we made a cake, dinosaur one of course, and ended up being up til like 2-3am doing it.

we got up early the next day to go to liverpool. man, i don't even want to go into detail of saturday because it was amazing. i've not even sunk in for me yet, i keep remembering little things and laughing to myself about them. one of the best days/nights of my life, easily. ahh, it makes me happy just thinking about all the stuff that happened! crazy. we ended up on the train with drunken stag do go-ers from warrington, not for the first time in mine and marys case, so it was nothing new to us, and then when we got back to manchester, we bought £1.99 cheeseburger meals from burger king. yumyumyum. :] then we got back to mine for about 2.30 and i think i nodded off as soon as my head hit the pillow at 3am.

sunday involved me getting up at 9.10am, and wanting to die. i was knackered, so when my mum got home from cycling i went to sleep at about 4ish and was asleep til 7.30. i've still not recovered though. ah i need sleep :( i had another hour and a half earlier today, that was nice, but i'd been up til 1am last night so it didn't help to be honest. it's only tuesday and i'm like a zombie. bleh.

hmmm, i have nothing interesting to say to be honest :( i just talked to myself. bleh. i should go and stop chatting shit now.

i hope your all well and have a good week.

victoria x